Please...

Please don't call yourself "Wetboy".
Please don't spend money on 3 profiles and wink at me through each one.
Please don't email me over and over again... I got it the first time and I'm still not answering.
Please don't take your picture in front of a fireplace, not-your-car at the dealership or with your shirt off.
Please please don't take your own shirtless picture in front of a mirror with your cellphone.
Please don't make me wonder if you are actually a man...
Please don't tell me you have travelled the world... I don't believe you've left Lancaster.
Please don't email me if you live in Lancaster.
Please don't make me do Sudoku to decifer your profile name.
Please don't tell me how successful you are in Winter Amazonian tree climbing..I Googled it (it's not a sport nor a career)
Please don't be surrounded by 5 women in your picture... it's not impressive, it's sad. I know those women are related to you.
Please don't paint yourself Gold, it's upsetting.
Please don't take a photo of your framed high school photo from 1955 and use it as your profile picture... your clothes and hair are dated and the glare from the flash is a tip off. Does your Mom know you did that?
And please, please don't dress like Captain Jack without any explanation. It's scary.

hidden profile

So I have a friend who is on an online dating site but she hid her profile which I know people do sometimes. You get discouraged with stupid emails, not-so-attractive wanna be suitors, ridiculous winks and designated suitors (by the site) who you wouldn't be caught dead with (I'm sure they are kind, wonderful people).

But I have already paid for 6 months so I am going to get my monies worth. I'm by no means successfully dating or even speaking with any spectacular possibility... but you just can't make this stuff up and if nothing else it is the best entertainment ever.

Today I scrolled through my possible love interests and had the best laugh!

A 60 year old man literally on a horse with a cowboy hat on at least 500 miles away.
A man with candycanes hanging from his ears.
A gentleman who looks frightened -whose profile name is "Octomom Taken"
The nerdy-est man I have ever seen in my life with a pocket protector, glasses - standing in front of filing cabinets (I guess he's a professional man)
A guy whose profile name indicates he's in Havasu but he lives in LA
Somebody who claims to be a "Man of Mystery"
A Mr. Bean look-a-like whose profile namen is "Not Taken" - I can't imagine why...
And then there are people I don't even want to talk about because I think they might be "special" and I know my ticket to HELL would be on overnight delivery.

It might not be what they intend, what I paid for or what I hoped for. But it's something... and it's damn funny.

Gold Man and a Scrunch

I just have to ask why oh why the man's profile picture is a nude photo of himself painted gold posed in some thinking man pose. His tagline is like "Your Perfect Match". I didn't even read what he wrote because I couldn't even to stand to go even further. I just want to know if anyone ever actually emails him... and who are they and what is wrong with them.

I did however read the first line of the man who said that he wants someone who makes him smile just when they "scrunch up their face". Would he smile to know that I scrunched up MY face when I looked at his photo? Probably not.

Don't say I didn't warn you

There are scams coming out of West Africa with people who are on online dating sites. They get to know you and THEN for whatever reason they go to like Nigeria and need help and money. So if you thought the local idiots were bad... now you have more to worry about (sigh)

A Real Quote... I couldn't make it up

wow, your gorgeous! when i saw your pic i had 2 write. I hope U like cream in your coffee, cause if you do we've got some serious work 2 do.

Guys don't drive

For whatever reason guys don't drive. They'll drive 10 miles to get to Fat Burger but they won't drive to get to you. They can get up at 5 AM to surf and drive 15 miles to waves, they'll drive 365 miles to get to Vegas to lose half their salary... but they won't drive 10 miles to get to you. I've gotten at least 3 emails unsolicited from guys that say "you're cute but you live too far away". So I say "why bother to say anything at all?". I drive 30 miles to work every day. I don't complain. I don't say picking up my paycheck is too far. I say "I love where I live and if I like you... I'll get there". Sadly so far I'm too far for the average bear.
LA is a big place with lots of freeways and we can get anywhere. Granted I get I don't want to transfer 3 buses or figure out 5 freeways to get to my guy but if you are worth it... I'll figure it out within reason. Gentlemen... it's a 405, 10, 110, 5, 210, 710... LA has FREEWAYS hence the free and the way to get to the love of your life.. just a car and a charm away.

OKAY So what do you get???

I get people from states too far away or yucky guys to yucky to talk to or too young for me and way too old for my daughter and just too stupid or ugly... you tell me...